Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Review

Well back to a remake. While this DVD doesn't have the year on it...it's made by Michael Bay so...guessing it's not the original lol...now I do have the original on VHS but I all ready said I don't REALLY want to watch VHSs unless I have to. Since I take so long to watch/review these I can't watch a VHS that long...has to do with if it's to loud it might wake my parents up so...bad idea. Plus I have to stop the movie a lot to write the review...it's just a mess and I'm dreading the first of the VHSs that I have to watch.

Title - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Genre - Horror

Year - 2003

The movie starts off like a "documentary", in that the narrator tells us about the story behind the massacre. We see "police reenactment footage" as well. The "real" movie then begins.

So five people in their 20's (?) are in a van heading to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. There's three men and two women. The two in the back of the van (excluding the fact guy) are making out hot and heavy after only have just meeting (I know it's the 70's but damn...horror cliche incoming? I expect those two to die first.). Seems they're coming back from Mexico after buying a ton of pot (so sexed up and doped up young adults...yeah horror cliches everywhere!!).

They nearly run over a woman walking down the road because the dumbass driving is too distracted. They pick her up after seeing she's...not all together with it. She says something about "Their all dead.", which makes the others wonder about her. She then freaks out saying they're going the wrong way. They stop and she says something about "He's a bad man" and tells them they're all going to die before she pulls a gun out and shoots herself in the head. Damn. So fearing the cops will find their stash, they throw the pot out (first good idea yet...).

The group stops at a gas station to report the crime but find out the sheriff wants them to drive to a mill. Less then thrilled with the idea, they pile back into the van with the girls body.

They arrive at the mill but there is no sheriff in sight. So they explore the creepy mill (no red flags popping up guys?) till one of the girls wonders off after someone spots something moving. She screams and the rest come running but it was only a possum, turning the corner though they find a young boy. The boy eventually tells them how to get to the sheriffs house and the group splits up with Erin and Kemper (cowboy hat chick and driver guy) going to the sheriffs house and the rest of the group staying at the mill with the boy.

Erin and Kemper come across a house thinking it's the sheriffs place but it turns out not to be. The man living there invites Erin in to call the sheriff and tells Kemper to stay outside.

Back to the other group, the sheriff arrives.

Switching back to Erin, she hangs up the phone after hearing the sheriff will be there in 30 minutes. Going to leave, the man who invited her in asks her to come help him. Outside Kemper wonders where Erin is and enters the house.

Back at the mill, the sheriff picks up the gun and asks about it, finding out that it was the dead womans. He then puts it in his ankle holster, which fits it perfectly...

Going back to the house, Kemper wanders through the house before he's attack by a large man with a sledgehammer and dragged away.

Over to the mill the sheriff pulls one of the guys into helping him...saran wrap the dead body (weird...).

Back to the house, Erin searches for Kemper in the house but not finding him, she leaves to look outside.

Switching to the mill group, the guys load up the dead body into the back of the sheriffs car and he leaves.

Erin comes back to the mill and finds out that the sheriff came and went and that Kemper isn't there. The group wander off together to find Kemper before they split up (again), Erin and Andy (make out boy) going to find Kemper; Pepper (make out girl) and Morgan (fact boy asshole) going back to the van.

Back at the house Leatherface prepares Kemper's body when something drops out of his pocket. Leatherface opens the thing and we see the ring Kemper was promising Erin (aw...sad.).

Outside the house Erin and Andy arrive. Erin goes to distract the man while Andy sneaks in the house. Andy does the typical stupid shit (look in dumb places for his friend...seriously the fucking fridge?) and knocks something over which makes a loud sound which makes Erin and the old man go inside. The old man is pissed off now and summons Leatherface. Leatherface attacks Andy with his chainsaw. Andy tells Erin to run, which she smartly does. Andy then runs out of the house as well, with Leatherface chasing him. Leatherface catches up to Andy and cuts one of his legs off. Leatherface then carries Andy down to his workshop.

Erin runs back to the mill and hops into the van (which Pepper and Morgan are trying to clean...good luck with that lol.) and tries to start it but it doesn't. The sheriff then pops up and finds a joint in the van, he then flips out and tells them to get on the ground.

Back at the house we see Leatherface impale Andy on a meat hook (ick...).

Switching back to the mill the sheriff grabs Morgan and tells him to show him what happened in the van. The sheriff then forces Morgan to recreate the suicide (even to the point of telling him to put the gun into his mouth.). Morgan flips out and points the gun at the sheriff and pulls the trigger...but realizes it's empty! The sheriff then takes Morgan and drives off with him, leaving Pepper and Erin. While driving the sheriff breaks his bottle on Morgan's face, knocking some of his teeth out.

Back to Pepper and Erin, Erin tries to hotwire the van.

Over to the house, the sheriff pulls up outside the house, yanks Morgan out of the car and beats him a little. He then tells Morgan "You kids shouldn't have messed with that little girl." before shoving him into the house.

Back to Pepper and Erin, Erin manages to start the van! But the fucking tires fall off...wtf. What a piece of shit van lol. Leatherface then shows up with his chainsaw. Pepper tries to make a run for it but Leatherface kills her. Erin manages to get away from Leatherface and stumbles across a trailer. The women in the trailer let her in and offer her tea. Erin asks to use their phone but they tell her they don't have one. After nearly forcing Erin to drink some of the tea, their phone rings...imagine that. Erin then passes out because the tea was drugged...of course.

When Erin awakes, she finds herself in the creepy house surrounded by Leatherface's creepy fucked up family. Leatherface tosses her down into his workshop and locks her in down there. She spots Andy and tries to help him off the meat hook but is unable to lift him. In pain, Andy begs her to end it. Erin kills him. She then finds Morgan still alive. The little boy from earlier pops up and tells them to follow him. They follow him but Leatherface is right behind them with his chainsaw.

Erin and Morgan manage to make it out of the house and into an abandoned house/shack and try to hide from Leatherface. But Leatherface finds Erin. Morgan, seeing Erin in danger, rushes from his hiding spot to attack Leatherface. Leatherface switches his attention to Morgan now and hooks his handcuffs on a chandelier (because all abandoned houses/shacks have handy chandeliers!) before sawing through his dick and killing him...lovely way to go. Erin flips her shit and GTFO of there.

Leatherface gives chase but ends up cutting his leg with his chainsaw giving Erin time to get away. She comes to a road and stops a car but the car drives off (what a dick...). She then manages to find a slaughterhouse (fitting), but Leatherface finds her. Erin grabs a cleaver and hacks off one of Leatherface's arms (good for her but...kinda doubt that's possible) before running off.

She manages to stop a trucker and get a ride with him. During which we see Erin pretty much copy what the suicidal girl at the beginning said. And she acts like the girl did too...(dumbass). So the trucker stops the truck, gets out and informs the people at the gas station he picked Erin up and he needs help with her. So the family goes outside to listen to the mans story, leaving the baby alone. Erin sneaks in and steals the baby and hot wires the sheriffs car and then promptly runs the sheriff over and over again until the fucker dies. She then escapes with the baby.

The movie ends with the narrator telling us the two cops in the "police reenactment footage" were fatally injured by Leatherface and that Leatherface is still out there.

My thoughts - Well it suffers from cliches up the ying yang, but most slasher films do. I like the actress who plays Erin and some of the actors/actress's who play the family members but most of them suck at acting...or their characters were poorly written.

I have no real strong feelings for this one. I will say that it's too dark. I mean that literally, it's hard to see things in the basement/workshop and in a few other places in the movie. And that gets on my nerves...it's not scary if I can't fucking see it. It's a so-so movie...I wonder how it holds up to the original...

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